Sunday, March 12, 2006

Giving Birth Wasn't Enough?

Here at Moonshine, there's not much I won't write about. Within reason, anything is fair game. That said, I'd like to discuss something that is causing me some serious distress lately. I know "crotch couture" has already been touched upon over at Motherhood Uncensored recently but seriously, what IS the deal with body hair after pregnancy? There was a time when none of this was an even issue. I mean I had hair where you’re supposed to — just not freaking acres of it. Now? I'm pretty sure they'll be saving a booth for me at the carnival. In the sideshow, that is....

After my first baby, I noticed that ever so slowly, my bikini line was advancing a bit beyond its formerly acceptable property line. Then I noticed that my upper lip hair, while still fine, was darker and there was a bit more of it, too. I mentioned this to my doctor who explained to me that when you're breastfeeding, your estrogen levels remain low and that's what causes it, not unlike when old ladies have chin hairs and mustaches etc. She said when I stopped nursing, things would return to normal but that she couldn't do much about the existing hair. Great. I love the "Sasquatch meets bingo ladies" look.

Fast-forward 5 years. I have another baby, 9 months old, and I'm still nursing. I've made peace with my original hair issues. Sort of. But now I'm noticing that a number of my eyebrow hairs are reallly long. I'm turning into Abe freaking Vigoda here. Or Groucho Marx. Pick the eyebrow monster of your choice.... And my bikini line? It's marching onward again. Just here and there, with individual hairs defying me, but still — I hate it — it's making me insane.

But the piece de resistance; the thing that bothers me the most....(are you ready for this????) is the LONG WHITE HAIR that now grows from the MIDDLE of my forehead. Seriously, what IS this shit???????? I spend more time shaving, plucking and searching for new evil hairs than I care to admit. The worst, part, however, is that it always, always comes back and a hell of a lot faster than it used to.

I want to keep nursing but I'm afraid when I'm done I'll look like Chewbacca. And yes, I know there are modern hair removal methods available. I see the billboard of one such establishment mocking me every damn day with some eighteen year old in a bikini and a tagline designed to make feel me as horrible and insecure as possible. (mission accomplished, assholes) Do you know how expensive that shit is??? I'd have to tap into our home equity line to pay for it.

Then of course, there's waxing but unless there's some secret that I don't know, waxing sucks just as much as shaving. You wax and it's gone for a while but when it grows back, you have these horrid ingrown hairs around your hoo-ha. It's nasty and not conducive to swimsuit season OR hot sex.

I know that hormones after pregnancy can be crazy. In fact, mine have never been quite the same since after my first pregnancy. And trust me, there's nothing like someone calling you "peri-menopausal" to make you feel ready for throwing in the hair war towel. Yes. Someone suggested that I might be peri-menopausal. "The hell you say!!!" I screeched inwardly! "I'm still in my thirties, dammit!" Arghhhhhhhhh! I am young. I am vital. I am not going down without a fight!

Is anyone else battling with weird postpartum or hormonally-triggered hair growth? Do you know how to wax without ingrown hairs? Can anyone explain a long white hair that grows from one's forehead? I know someone out there has the answers to these great mysteries. My poor tweezers are exhausted. I’m getting eyestrain. We need help.

***And after you leave me your pearls of wisdom, drop by Peebugg Press's place. She's my new renter over there in the sidebar! Her blog is way interesting. I couldn't stop reading. Check it out.***


  • I've never had the testicular fortitude (ha, ha) to pull it off, but my cousin swears that if you stick with shaving/waxing/whatever for awhile, the whole itchy crap goes away entirely. I guess if you do it regularly it somehow doesn't suck. But for the love of God, I will never voluntarily subject myself to those first days of burning itchiness following razor madness... Ahem. Good luck!

    By Blogger Iselyahna, at 3/12/2006 04:12:00 AM  

  • Waxing is a bitch. The reason that people get ingrown hairs is because when you wax an area over and over again, it builds up scar tissue. That is why the hair doesn't grow back after a while. So the more you do it, the less hair comes back, but in the beginning, it's ingrown hair central. Oh the joys of womanhood! But I will tell ya, if you can take the pain, then go for it. I am a complete chicken and will just keep lathering up with that good old Barbasol and shave away (endlessly)!

    By Anonymous rhonda, at 3/12/2006 12:43:00 PM  

  • I so understand what you're going through!

    For me, I'm going crazy dealing with long hairs on my neck, and on my breasts! I swear, if I was still breastfeeding, Cordy would choke on the hairs. I can't do anything but pluck those, but I swear more keep growing after each plucking session.

    By Blogger Christina, at 3/12/2006 04:14:00 PM  

  • Your blog made me lol today. "Abe fricking Vigoda". Priceless.

    What I want to know is...why nature has decided that women on the wrong side of 35 suddenly have some heretofore unrealized need for nose hair.

    Do not, under any circumstances, apply Nad's or "Sugar" to any area of your body that excretes or serves any other vital purpose. It is possible to flay yourself quite successfully with these methods. Don't ask me how I know. Suffice it to say, I took a long hiatus from underwear and Mumus have their advantages.

    By Blogger Blog Antagonist, at 3/12/2006 05:56:00 PM  

  • Is that why I have one renegade eyebrow hair that is so long that it tickles the mirror when I'm cutting the ones jutting from my chin mole?! I don't remember signing up for this when I got pregnant... Morning sickness, excrutiatingly painful birth, sleepless nights - sure! Wandering pubes? Nooooo!

    By Blogger Mrs. Chicky, at 3/12/2006 08:03:00 PM  

  • Yeah. Me and my facial hair have been long at war. When pregnant, Terrance noted on on my Neck. NECK?? WTF? Neck hair? Now my chin and lip are continaully scanned. I actually keep a tweezer in my wallet.

    I only tried to wax my lip once and when I took off some skin and had a scabby lip - I vowed, never again!

    Nothing like a scabby look that says "Give me some love!"

    By Blogger Dawn, at 3/12/2006 08:27:00 PM  

  • i understand!! Ever since my 1st was born my hormones have been in some wacky tailspin that involves me having to salivate into a TUBE for 45 and AIRMAIL it to a lab.. maybe they will have answers.. until then I pluck, i cry and i randomly lactate

    By Blogger Fidget, at 3/12/2006 10:47:00 PM  

  • I've had hairs on my chin for a long time, but now they're marching towards my ears on either side. And some of them are white. I also have one dark, thick mustache hair on the right side of my lip.

    As for the bikini line maintenance, I can never get it right. If I shave, I get bumps. If I wax, I get bumps. And it doesn't help that the "bikini line" is drifting down my inner thighs. Wow, is that TMI or what?

    By Blogger Elizabeth, at 3/12/2006 10:52:00 PM  

  • I don't even have pregnancy to blame and STILL I get these weird hairs.

    White eyebrow hair, check. Black chin hair, check. A four-inch-long microthin thing growing out of my shoulder (I thought, that has to be a sweater fiber...Nope, it is attached to ME!). Something that looks like a pube down by my knee...

    It is all part of God's beautiful plan. What the f*ck that plan is, I do not know.

    By Blogger SUEB0B, at 3/12/2006 11:45:00 PM  

  • Hey all!

    Thanks for chiming in, giving advice and in some cases, sharing! I don't want to be all "misery loves company" but I have to say that it makes me feel immensely better to know I'm not alone.

    Christina & Dawn: I'm not sure if I have neck hairs but now I'm scared to look because I probably do. That might be a case where I'm better off just not knowing.

    Chicky: your "wandering pubes" made me almost fall of my chair!

    Fidget: Have you been checked for a pituitary tumor? I've been through the ringer of hormonal testing. We should talk.

    Elizabeth: TMI? No way! Details are key.

    Dawn & BA: I've had the scabby lip and the raw bikini line. Not. Worth. It.

    Sue: lol @ knee pube and I think God's plan sucks ass ;-P

    By Blogger IzzyMom, at 3/13/2006 01:20:00 AM  

  • You mean hairs get worse with pregnancy??? Oh, great, something else to look forward to.

    Tweezerman tweezers, baby! They're the best. For the forehead hair, what about talking to a dermatologist about electrolysis? It's supposed to be very expensive because each hair is treated individually, but if you're only zapping one hair, how expensive could it be?

    By Blogger Arabella, at 3/13/2006 08:57:00 AM  

  • I have been wondering the same thing as Arabella -- what about the laser hair removal? It would be lovely to never worry about waxing or shaving again. I just worry that the bikini line area is so sensitive that it would hurt like a mother. But it's just GOTTA be better than a hairy hoo-ha.

    By Anonymous Nancy, at 3/13/2006 09:14:00 AM  

  • Great post.

    And you know what's worse. If you decided to shave a landing strip and then don't keep it up, it becomes a total MOHAWK of the not so cool and punk rock KIND *ahem*

    The post-preggo hair growth is uncanny. Did you see that stuff on It looks pretty good.

    I wouldn't mind getting a wax (over the lip, that is - no one is touching my crotchety crotch) - but the girls down here scare me. The one chick who did my nails at a "spa" was missing 2 front teeth?!!!

    Chances are she'd take off half my skin as well - the ONE time I decided to get a wax.

    By Anonymous Kristen, at 3/13/2006 09:43:00 AM  

  • Seriously LMAO!

    My favorite thing about my chin hairs is when I look over and the guy in the car next to me is staring while I tweeze. It probably takes him a whole 3 minutes before he can think about sex again!

    By Blogger Denial, at 3/14/2006 02:02:00 AM  

  • it's nice to know we aren't alone!! I'm considering the Laser thing- the kids don't really need college, do they? thanks for stopping by-

    and about Gray's Anatomy- now that George's hair is fixed, will they please give Meredith a hairbrush?

    By Anonymous Karen, at 3/14/2006 07:22:00 AM  

  • I have found a good aesthetician who waxes with little pain or embarrassment. And I am definitely considering laser hair removal for more than a few areas. Expensive, but worth it.

    By Blogger mothergoosemouse, at 3/14/2006 09:48:00 AM  

  • Oh my god. I was just about to blog about this, maybe I still will. But yah, it's pretty weird every couple months or so, i have a curly hair growing out of my chin-just outta nowhere! I'm like???

    By Blogger Cityslicker Mom, at 3/19/2006 07:32:00 PM  

  • Someone I know calls this "brushes with androgyny." Myself, I've never been a really hairy lady, but I do get my business waxed and I have three things to say to help you, should you decide to beat back the bush in this fashion.
    1. Have a professional do this. Seriously. I know it's weird having somebody down there the first time you meet them, but you've had babies, you've been there before. Or go get a pedicure first and get to know her a bit first.
    2. The first two or three times hurt like a bitch. Buy cooling cream. But truly, I didn't believe it but it's true - it gets easier and easier. Go regularly and it's a snap.
    3. Exfoliate exfoliate exfoliate. A few scrubs a week and ingrowns are kept to a minimum.

    By Blogger kittenpie, at 3/20/2006 01:34:00 PM  

  • Oh my god, this is me. "Why 80 year old women have chin hair." "What about 26 year old women? I'm a freaking sasquatch. I am so tempted by laser hair removal.

    I can't believe someone else has a long whie hair problem. What the hell is wrong with us?

    By Blogger Carrcakes, at 3/24/2006 10:16:00 AM  

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