Chasing Sleep

My little guy is getting a tooth and he's not sleeping for more than a couple hours (or less) at a time. This means I am not sleeping at all. *yawn* I've tried everything. Anyone know any secrets to settling cranky, teething babies? You'd think I'd never done any of this before but I actually have and all I can say is don't ever count on your second baby to be anything like your first. That's my sage advice of the week.

More fun than a poke in the eye...

Thursday 1:15 am

In case you were wondering what I did all day today, in no particular order...

- Read daughter 2,817 books. Okay, it was more like 7.
- Briefly considered going to the grocery store. Decided hunger was more palateable
- Found daughter slathering herself from head to toe in body glitter gel. Decided there were worse things, such as covering herself in magic marker. Again. "They're tattoos!!!!"
- Talked to a friend I haven't spoken to in months. Set up playdate for tomorrow. At her house! Yesssss! *high five myself*
- Went to the mall with daughter to exchange too-small Christmas gifts for the baby Buddha. Would have been a lot more fun on acid. Apparently post-Christmas shopping is still happening.
- Bought a pretty, shiny new saucepan at Linens n Things
- Threw away tired old poisonous Teflon saucepan.
- Listened to daughter endlessly weigh the merits of her American Girl doll over her friend's American Girl dolls. Her doll wins every time.
- Held cranky teething 21 lb baby ALL day long except when he napped. Inspected arms in mirror to determine whether or not I resemble Popeye.
- Played "Finding Nemo" Uno with daughter.
- Took a nap. Too short.
- Spent way too much time on phone trying to locate mercury-free flu shots for kids. Mission accomplished. I rock.
- Looked at credit card statement online. Almost choked.
- Decided to look into cruise idea for next Christmas. Ponder the idea of going alone.(I can dream, can't I?)
- Watched daughter and friend trash house while "playing"
- Decided w/ husband that Saturdays are his day & Sundays are mine for much-needed downtime away from tiresome familial responsibilities
- Listened to baby cry for what seemed like eternity while trying to teach him to sleep in a crib like a normal infant. Extremely difficult and heartbreaking.
- Ate a couple microwave pancakes at 9:30. Breakfast food rules.
- Read news online, emptied out SPAM email folder. Decided to further procrastinate on numerous obligatory emails .
- Got irritated at cat #2 for picking fight with cat #1 again.
- Talked to friend long distance. Discussed pros and cons of receiving monthly stipend from meddling in-laws (hers, not mine). Concluded that only amounts in excess of $2000* per month would be worth it.

*This figure is, of course, contingent on the degree to which one dislikes their in-laws. In many cases, a higher figure would be warranted.

The Daymare Before Christmas

It's the day before Christmas and all through the house, every one of us is miserable, so I turn to my mouse (sorry, I couldn't resist). Anyway, both kids were up several times last night with various issues and maladies and at one point, around 3am, the baby decided he wanted to play. It wasn't as cute as it sounds. Eventually, we had to divide and conquer and each of us slept in a room with a kid. Today we are all cranky, tired and at least three of us are plagued with coughs and/or stuffy noses..

And just so you know my pissy mood is completely warranted, here are some more reasons for me to be irritated...

- Cat #1 got into the kind of ugly but-oh-so-tasty Christmas cookies that my daughter and I made and they're almost all ruined


- Cat #2 left a pile of turd pudding (from the $113 antibiotics) in my bedroom. I'll spare you the visuals on this one.

- My mother-in-law wants all of us to hike it over to my husband's grandmother's assisted living place and visit her because she's sick and they don't want to bring her to Christmas. Yeah, let me take my sick kids to visit a sick person so they can all get MORE sick. Sorry, Granny. No can do.

- And our TV finally shit the bed for real this time. Our efforts to revive it one last time were futile. It's not even 5 years old. Grrrrrrr...

Wake me up when my house is clean, my kids are well, the TV is fixed and Christmas is OVER.

Sincerely,
Izzy the Grinch

Your Tummy is STILL Fat

Someone recently left a copy of US magazine at my house. While I usually reserve my celebrity catch-up reading for the doctor's waiting room, I was compelled to read about how celeb moms are under such pressure to lose their baby weight and of course, all about their personal dramas of postpartum weight loss. Hah! There was NO drama to be found. Nothing but personal trainers and low-carb ZonePerfect meals being delivered each day. Hmmmph.

I exercise almost every day and I have not lost a single pound in 4 months. I breastfeed (and bottle feed) a voracious 6 month old but no weight loss for me. I keep asking everyone about that malicious rumor that breastfeeding helps you lose your baby weight (it didn't work with my first baby either) but my research yields nothing concrete. My doctor, however, has confirmed that many women don't lose any weight until they stop breastfeeding. He advises me to enjoy this time and not sweat a measly 15 lbs. I am enjoying this time but it's winter. My ass is COLD and I want to fit into my size 10 (and that one treasured pair of size 8) jeans again. I can get them on and even zip them but they're so embarrassingly tight. This is evident by the ring of loose skin/fat that now hovers over the waist and of course, by the painfully honest words of my 5 yr old daughter who came up to me yesterday while I'm sitting down, kinda poked at my stomach and said "Your tummy is still fat".

Tell me something I don't already know, Sugarbear.

My husband, on the other hand, being the sweet and apparently smart man that he is, tells me all the time that I look great. I so appreciate that.

I want my old body back. Not this worn out old thing that wets it's pants every time it coughs or sneezes... (embarrassing side effect of having a 9.8 lb baby).

In an effort to be a "glass half full" type of person (I love a challenge), I try to think about what I got in return for this sacrifice. That's the party line, right? And it's true. I got something pretty great. But I sure wouldn't mind wearing my old jeans on a cold night like this. *sigh*

I Adore This Child

*An Exchange This Morning*

5 yr old: Mommy, can I have some more milk?

Me: Can you wait a sec? I have to go to the bathroom.

5 yr old: You're going pee again?

Me: No. I'm going poop this time. Is that okay with you?

5 yr old: (ponders about this for at least 10 seconds) Okay. But hurry up.


Some things for my daughter's stocking:

1) A dispenser of Scotch tape; she loves this stuff so much. Only the next item brings more joy to her.

2) A little orange stapler; this is her personal nirvana. Clearly she has inherited my love of new office/school supplies.

3) A knit hat and gloves emblazoned with Barbie's face and logo; it doesn't snow here but she longs for these items nonetheless. Her pure glee will be worth whatever I paid for these seemingly unimpressive items. Actually, I have no idea what I paid for any of these items. Christmas turns me into an idiot.

No, this isn't a trivia board BUT...

I dare you to name the 80's movie my husband references in 6 words. I'll set the scene for you...

My husband and I are laying on the bed with the baby early this morning. I have to get up for a minute. When I return the baby is crying.

Me: Awww...he's upset. Were you ignoring him?

My Husband: Nobody puts Baby in the corner

Palace O' Bodily Fluids: The Saga Continues

When I referred to my home as the Palace O' Bodily Fluids (and Other Icky Things), I'm sure most of my guests here thought I was kidding or taking a bit of artistic license. In an ideal world, my friends, in an ideal world...

In the past 48 hours, I have endured an exploding and continuously oozing abcess, compliments of my geriatric cat, numerous leaky diapers and three episodes of projectile vomit courtesy of my 6 month old son, occurring on my sofa, in my bed (ewwwww) and on my way-expensive but dearly-treasured astronaut foam pillow (that I will not refer to by it's brand name because I think they are extortionists).

Wanna sleep over?

Not now...Mommy has a broken neck

Saturday 12/18

As I sit here, I can turn my head in only one direction; left (Fortunately, I can use my computer. There is a God.) It all started early this morning when the devil baby decided to melt down after a rather pleasant time. He's sick so I guess he's feeling really crappy and I should have seen it coming. At the time, however, his shrieking was stressing me out to no end and while I sat there, staring at him sitting on my lap, willing him telepathically to stop, he hit a note that made something warm ooze out of my ears. Was it my brain? Or just blood? I'm voting for brain. Everything in my body tensed up while I tried really hard to not freak out myself and then I felt it. Something in my neck just snapped like a rubber band. Had I not been so sleep deprived (and jealous of my spouse snoozing away, oblivious, in the bedroom) maybe I could have kept my cool a little cooler and NOT broken my neck the day before my stepmother is coming to visit. This means I won't be able to do all the cleaning that I blew off yesterday. While this naturally appeals to me, I know I cannot have any family member to my house in this state. It's just a big cluttery mess and while I hate it like this, I do somehow manage to live with it. But they would never understand. They are freakishly clean. They are the kind of people that whisk your plate or glass off the coffee table the instant you put it down. But I digress.

After I had effectively (or rather ineffectively) ranted and raved as much as I possibly could and been denied a Saturday appt with the new-age chiropracter by her 20 yr old gatekeeper, I decided to take a bath (my answer to all of life's difficulties). While filling the tub, I got undressed. Petulantly, I kicked off my underwear and they went sailing through the air...right into my bathwater. The perfect end to a perfect morning.

Four Other Very Important Thoughts That Cannot Wait

1) Kelly Ripa REALLY needs to lay off the spray-on sunless tanning stuff unless, of course, she means to be orange in which case she's doing a fantastic job.

2) Preschool Age Daughter: And this is the flag for Germany. They call it Germany because they have germs on their knees.

3) Kmart is and always will be...Kmart. It's a discount store that isn't really all that cheap. Some of the Martha Stewart stuff is okay only because it brings a certain degree of much-needed understatement to the masses but otherwise, Kmart mostly blows. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm too good for Kmart. I'll shop almost anywhere if they have something I want. But they aren't fooling anyone with their Target-wannabe commericals. I'm just sayin...

4) Do NOT, under any circumstances, see the movie "Christmas with the Kranks". I'm actually embarrassed for poor John Grisham. They turned his rather entertaining short novel into a painfully boring movie. And Tim Allen looks really weird in it. Did he have a prosthetic nose on or something????

The price of an attitude adjustment...

I swore I would not go near my blog today because I just have too much stuff to do. Reallly important stuff like packing up and mailing gifts for the nieces and nephews I haven't seen in nearly two years and cleaning my messy-ass house so I can host a visit from my stepmother which is, in some ways, an exercise in masochism. Aren't the holidays GREAT?

As you can see, my attitude needs a little help. And to that end, I've done something I'm almost too embarrassed to speak of...but since we're all basically strangers here, I guess it's okay.

My new-age chiropracter keeps a truckload of inspirational little books around her office. This would include nearly all the Chicken Soup for the Soul books and tons of others. They're everywhere. It's almost impossible not to have one within 18 inches of you at any given moment. Now that I've set the scene and painted a picture of myself as powerless over the inspirational book onslaught, I must confess. I picked up her copy of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and it's all small stuff)" and actually read a good chunk of it while waiting. Unfortunately, it gets worse. I actually found some things in this book to be relevant and thus, I checked it out of the library. I could barely face the librarian guy. There's just something unacceptable to me about checking out (or buying) a cheesy little book that is basically armchair/pop psychology.

But as I said, I could benefit from an attitude adjustment and being somewhat prone to hormonal fluctuations that skew reality and make little things seem gargantuan, I have decided that if a trite little book that will take no time at all to read can help me to not dread Christmas and resent my stepfamily a little less, perhaps it's worth it.

And really, upon further reflection of my life's most embarrassing moments, I'm reasonably sure that nothing could top my spontaneously sprouting hemhorroids while giving birth — and having my beloved husband there to witness it.

I leave you with that heartwarming picture :-)

Where for art Thou, Cool Moms?

Where are they all hiding? I'm starting to feel like an endangered species here. Is it so much to ask for a witty comrade with a sense of humor *gasp* or maybe someone a wee bit progressive in their thinking? I know having kids changes people but seriously, you don't have to turn into boring tightasses. What's even worse is when you find someone kind of cool and their husband isn't. That means you can't do family things or couple things because your husband has absolutely nothing in common with Joe Dork or Joe Rabidsportsfan or Joe Unfunny and groans every time you try to set something up. Of course, if your husband's friends would grow up already and take the leap...*sigh*
More later.

Addendum: In regard to one of the comments... Uh no, I'm not the kind of cool mom who sleeps with my son's friends. (pssst...he's a baby) As for hot moms, well, I was kind of lamenting over the shortage of cool moms. But thanks for your comment. I always enjoy company.

Venting

My baby is so annoying this week. I love him with all my heart so it's okay for me to say that. He's really high-maintenance. It was my recollection that babies got easier after 6 months or so. Not this one. I always thought my daughter was kind of difficult but in retrospect, she was positively mellow compared to him and she, herself, is kind of intense. He goes from 0 to 60 in about 3 seconds. One minute he's sitting there perfectly fine and content and the next, he's shrieking in that horrible squealing way that he has and I can literally feel my eardrums rattling. Really. And what is it that elicits such horror from the child? Oh I don't know... maybe I'll try to change his diaper or put some socks on him. Perhaps I'll do something realllllly crazy and try to take a dangerous object away from him (he grabs everything in a 3 foot radius so he does occasionally get hold of something he shouldn't have) And if I put him down or walk away from him for a split second I'm pretty sure this is what his screams would translate as if I could interpret it--> "Holy Fucking Shit!!!!!! Red Alert!!! The lady with the boobs is walking away!!!!!! Commence shrieking!!!!!"

You might think I'm exaggerating but I assure you — I am not. Nobody believes me because when we are out anywhere, he's too distracted to do the evil baby routine and he mostly just smiles and gurgles at everyone. Awwww...isn't little Damien cute? Okay, that was mean. He's not like that demonic child in The Omen. He's more like, say, Rosemary's Baby. Alright, alright. I'll stop comparing my precious, adorable baby to evil pop-culture icons.

Thanks for humoring me and for understanding the absolute necessity of levity in the life of a stay-at-home mom. Venting and humor keep us sane :-)

"Uh...Mommy?"

No good can come from a statement that begins with "Uh...Mommy?" But alas, I heard it bright and early this morning.

It was followed by "There's big log of kitty-cat throw-up on the patio floor"

To which I replied "lolololololololololololololololololol" That's me laughing really hard.

I don't know why I laughed so hard but it was hysterically funny. To be honest, finding a log of kitty-cat yack isn't all that unusual around here in this palace o' bodily fluids and other icky things but later we found an even more mysterious treat left by the kitty — a piece of fried chicken. Yes, a piece of fried chicken sat under one of the chairs on the patio. I had seen it but without my contacts in, I thought it was some other random piece of whatnot. I've yet to figure out why it was uneaten or where exactly it came from as we never eat fried chicken. My husband said it resembled KFC (which I refuse to buy after seeing that sick footage of a KFC supplier totally abusing a chicken)

This is just one of the weird things found in the outer regions of my domicile. Once I got into a dispute with this big, weird, gay black guy who, during a design consultation, tried to talk me into doing internet porn from home with a little camera so he would get the referral fee (um...ewww) and then later tried to scam some free design work out of me. Anyway, after I told this guy, unaffectionately known as Crazy Carlton, to fuck off, he hexed me, cursed me and wrote me bizarre threatening emails. I was a little scared but my husband insisted I had nothing to fear; that Crazy Carlton was all talk. But then weird things started showing up in my front yard like a dog's jawbone, a bunch of chicken bones, and then corn cobs. Was it voodoo? Black magic? I had no idea but it was really creepy. And then it all just stopped after I told the guy who introduced me to CC about it and he sent some guys bigger and scarier than CC to have a "little chat" with him. I asked my friend what went down and he said "Don't ask". It was just like a movie!

"My Scene"

Someone gave my daughter a "My Scene" doll for her birthday. They're kind of like the Barbie version of Bratz dolls, which I detest. I'm just not interested in those weird giant-eyed dolls as toys for my five yr old daughter. Maybe when she's thirty. Or when George Bush learns to pronounce "nuclear."

Seriously...I don't know if I'm just twisted or what but I'm telling you, this doll looks like a hooker or possibly a drag queen. So naturally, my daughter finds her far more interesting than any of her eight million Barbies. Her platform stripper shoes are also of keen interest. I don't know... I'm fairly open-minded but I think "Madison" just might have to have a garbage disposal accident or something.

And forget all that unsexy diaper business... Apparently Baby Bratz Dolls now come with their very own THONG. Phew! I was wondering where I was going to get a baby doll's thong. Thank God someone is thinking of us parents.

"I rub the ointment on it's skin or else it gets the rash again..."

Ahahahaha...I crack myself up. If you have no idea what I'm talking about then you need to read the post called Don't you Wish You Were This Clever?

(By the way, I'm referring to a teething rash, not a butt rash. My baby doesn't get that. No, really. He's never had diaper rash. I'd like to take credit but I can't. His pristine little iron-clad booty is an anomaly)

It was one of those days...

There are some days when it seems like everybody in the world smiles at me and does nice, considerate things for me, nearly all of them strangers. Today was one of those days. Why does this happen? I can only hypothesize that my energy is somehow different.

Maybe I had a friendly spring in my step today (unlikely with the Buddha baby on my hip).

Perhaps I was forgetting to scowl?

Or maybe I'm like Cinderella but instead of charming rodents, I've charmed all the Hummer moms at my daughter's school with my bedhead and mostly Target-purchased attire.

Hmmm.

Alan Alda vs Tom Hanks

According to my husband, Tom Hanks is an Alan Alda type. Personally, I don't see it. To me, Alan Alda is representative of many things bad about the seventies and this is something my husband and I totally agree on. Alan Alda is bad. But Tom Hanks? I think he's okay. He does seem to play the same guy over and over, kind of like Molly Ringwald in the eighties, but he doesn't repel me the way Alan Alda and his creepy eyes do.

Teeth

My daughter just lost her first tooth on 12/3. At the risk of sounding completely cliché, when did she grow up? How did it happen so fast? It really seems like yesterday that she was a newborn. It makes me sad to think about how fast the time passes. I always question if I've paid enough attention to every moment, every detail. I wonder if I've documented things enough because I know how the memory fails. Conversely, growing up doesn't make her sad at all. Like all children, she embraces everything ahead of her, everything that relates to being "bigger".

I make a concerted effort to keep her from growing up too fast but I have to tell you; it isn't easy. The whole world is against you. Nobody is interested in preserving your child's innocence. If marketers and purveyors of media had their way, they'd just start kids out watching rated-R movies in pre-school and selling them beer, cigarettes and video games like Vice City in kindergarten. It may sound like an exaggeration but really, that's where they want them to end up anyway. Why not just start them off there and skip the laborious indoctrination? Fuckers.

Rant: Unreliable People

I hate unreliable people. Additonally, I really hate when people flake out and ever-so-casually break plans at the last minute. Do they actually believe that my time means less to me than theirs does to them? The worst, though, are the people who do it over and over. Am I so much the picture of calm and easy-going-ness that one would believe that repeated acts of rudeness would not totally piss me off? Apparently so.

Well, here's a heads-up, unreliable people of the world... You suck and you deserve to have it done back to you but I, regretfully, do not have it in me to be that much of a self-absorbed asswipe.

If there is any justice at all in the universe, you will eventually encounter and befriend someone just like you and when you get pissed off at them for being rude & unreliable, please don't call me to bitch about it because I won't be able to hear you. I will be too busy laughing my ass off.

Don't You Wish You Were This Clever?

If you watch Grey's Anatomy, you might have heard the song "It Puts the Lotion in the Basket" playing in the background. This is, as you may know, an homage to the Buffalo Bill serial killer character in "Silence of the Lambs". It's a real toe-tapper. Pretty funny, too. The video is trés clever and I had it embedded in my blog so you could watch it here but then it started locking up my ancient browser so it had to go. You can still see it by clicking here

100 Things About Me: A Navel Gazing Extravaganza

I was tagged (thanks Monica) so here it is. It only took me a month. Feel free to comment on it but be nice :-)

1. I love Snapple Green Tea with Lime.

2. I love massages. If I ever become filthy rich, the first thing I’m doing is arranging for a daily massage.

3. There are three things guaranteed to make me cry: a wedding, a funeral and watching "A Baby Story" on TLC.

4. I'm hopelessly addicted to lip balms of all kinds and varieties. I cant go to bed without it. No. I am not joking.

5. People always tell me I look exactly like their sister, friend, half-cousin, a girl from back home, or someone else they know.

6. I'm adopted.

7. I found out by accident when I was 31

8. Turns out that a lot of people knew about it. I, of course, wasn't one of them.

9. I found my birth-parents in less than a year. It's a cool story.

10. I've also helped a birthmom find her daughter.

11. I love Slurpees and those disgusting nachos from 7-11

12. My uniform is pretty much jeans w/ fitted v-neck t-shirts and sandals or sneakers. If it’s hot, the jeans turn into shorts. I simply have no occasion to wear anything cute or trendy. Just so you know, I wasn’t always like this.

13. I really loved the show Thirtysomething. I live for the day that it might finally be released on DVD.

14. I also really loved My So-Called Life, Felicity and Freaks & Geeks.

15. I am powerless over cookies, donuts and pizza.

16. I think I’m the only person in the world that is not in love with Starbucks coffee. But their black & white cookies rock.

17. I used to smoke. I still think about it and miss it but the smell really bugs me now. It’s a love/hate thing.

18. I have an irrational fear that when my husband leaves the house, something terrible will happen to him and that by saying "I love you, be careful" I can somehow protect him. If I forget to say it, it nags at me.

19. I actually like going to the dentist.

20. I also like getting shots.

21. Yes, I know these things make me something of a freak.

22. I lost my virginity at age 16.

23. I think Jack Black is the funniest person on the planet.

24. I used to be really skinny but I always thought I wasn't.

25. At this moment (1/2/06), I am 5'9, 160 lbs. The excuse that I "just had a baby" isn't working for me anymore.

26. I refuse to take a side in the breast vs. bottle battle. I do both.

27. I am mostly Irish w/ a little Welsh and English. I intend to visit Ireland someday.

28. I LOVE taking baths. I take one whenever I have the chance.

29. I typically don’t use any bath salts or bubble bath. Just plain water and lots of reading material.

30. Making continual eye contact w/ someone while conversing freaks me out. It’s too intense. I stop being able to think.

31. My favorite candy bar is Kit Kat

32. My favorite beer is Guinness but I hardly drink since becoming preggo with baby #1 (6 very long years ago)

33. I have a tattoo on my waist, above my hipbone. It's a sacred heart (heart w/ flames and flowers) w/ my husband's name on it.

34. I have a pierced nose. Haven’t worn a ring in it since before baby #1. A nosering seemed to interfere with the search for gainful employment. Additionally, babies like to pull nose rings, which hurts like holy hell.

35. Manhattan is my favorite city. I really noticed how many brunettes there are in NYC when I last visited. I felt like I’d found my tribe.

36. I was shy as a child. Now you can’t shut me up.

37. I am a classic underachiever.

38. I used to have a Louise Brooks bob. Later I had Bettie Page hair, but that was merely a coincidence.

39. You may have deduced by now that I am a brunette. I like my naturally dark brown hair color.

40. Now I have almost one-length mom hair that is best suited to ponytails.

41. My children are both blonde. I've been mistaken for the nanny more than once.

42. My dream is to have a big, old house with a huge kitchen, a front porch and giant oak trees outside. I imagine raising my children in this home and that my husband and I will live there forever. If you knew me 10 yrs ago all of this would seem very out of character. Actually, if you knew me now it would, too.

43. My favorite ice cream is Baskin-Robbins chocolate chip mint

44. While I do like dogs, I am definitely a cat person. I think that people who don't like cats just can't handle that a cat will not submit to them the way a dog will and to me, that screams "I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES!!!!"

45. I was a vegetarian for 6 yrs. I feel a lot of guilt over eating animals. I always try to buy meat that comes from free-range, humanely-raised animals to make up for it.

46. I think people should be severely and publicly punished for abusing animals or children

47. I love to read. I'll read almost anything.

48. My first baby was born by an elective C-Section. It was a bad decision.

49. My second baby was a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-Section) and everyone tried to talk me out of it. It was a total success (if you don't count the episiotomy, hemhorroids and incontinence).

50. With my second child I went to an OB practice staffed mostly of midwives. I highly recommend it. (and for the record, I gave birth in a hospital with all the conveniences and benefits of modern medicine. I wan't on the floor in my barn or whatever weird ideas some people have about midwives)

51. The birth of my second child was awesome. Even with 36 hours of labor it will always be one of the greatest experiences of my life.

52. My husband I decided to get married 4 months after we started seeing each other. I had known him for 4 years as an acquaintance of my ex-boyfriend.

53. Six years into our marriage I got pregnant and had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I had to wait a week for the D & C.

54. A year and a half later, my husband wanted to try again. I got pregnant on the first try.

55. With baby #2, I didn’t think I’d be able to get pregnant. I got pregnant the second try. Ovulation scopes are a great investment.

56. I always planned on not getting married or having children and look at me now. "Man plans, God laughs"

57. Being a parent is harder than any job I’ve ever had in the outside world but now I can’t even imagine my life without my children. I love them more than life itself.

58. When we were DINC’s (dual income, no children) I was super lazy. But we also did things I only dream about now, like eating out all the time, napping in the afternoon, going out and having a social life.

59. I also experienced several episodes of clinical depression. All I can say is thank God for Zoloft.

60. I had postpartum depression after my first baby.

61. I used to always dream about my teeth falling out in all different ways.

62. I’ve never had a dream that I can fly but I have dreamed I could breathe underwater.

63. When I wasn’t yet 21, I used to have recurring dreams about losing my fake ID.

64. I’m slightly germophobic thanks to a Discovery channel show about microbes.

65. I love bacon.

66. I hate the time between 11am and noon. It's hardly morning but not afternoon either.

67. I love horses. I miss riding so much. The ability to have a horse is probably the only thing that could convince me to move out to the sticks.

68. I can’t wrap my head around $400 shoes; especially not those super-pointy stiletto ones. They make your feet look huge. I can’t wait for them to go out of style.

69. I live in one of the wealthier areas of a large city. Our house is really small but the schools are great. Does this make sense? Sometimes I think it would be better to go buy and renovate a giant old house in a crappy part of town. Double my square footage while living in a "transitional" neighborhood or stay in a nice, safe shoebox...what to do, what to do? If you have any good advice, please share.

70. I hate grocery shopping and I hate cooking dinner every night but I really,truly believe that if I had the big kitchen I dream of, outfitted with oodles of helpful goodies from Williams-Sonoma, I'd probably like cooking a whole lot more. I don't think anything could make me like grocery shopping except maybe doing it on my computer and having it delivered. Hey — I said it was a dream.

71. In this house, you are guaranteed to have spaghetti at least 2x a month. Pot roast or pork roast at least 1x a month, meatloaf at least 1x a month and a Boboli homemade pizza at least every other week.

72. Domestically speaking, I am pretty much a failure.

73. But I am an awesome decorator. I have a great sense of style.

74. I can't go to bed with dirty feet

75. My first car was a Maverick. It was fast. I got a ticket 10 minutes after I left the house the first time my parents let me drive at night.

76. I've met a lot of famous musicians. Only a few were truly interesting.

77. I can't smoke pot. It makes me really tired and stuffs up my nose. If I have to actually go somewhere, paranoia ensues. Not good, not good.

78. I have a BA in Mass Communications.

79. Unlike most of the general population, I like the smell of patchouli.

80. I also like lavender but I loathe anything rose scented.

81. My favorite perfume is Angel by Thierry Mugler.

82. My favorite guilty-pleasure fast food is Arby's Beef n Cheddar. Yes, I know how incredibly scary they are. No, it doesn't deter me in the least.

83. Hats always give me a headache so I don’t wear them unless at the beach.

84. Inexplicably, I love all things Mary Engelbreit. Once again, if you knew me, this would seem odd.

85. I know what you're thinking and no, I don't have Mary Engelbreit stuff all over my house. I only have a notepad and some magazines.

86. I like going to yard sales and thrift stores.

87. I’m always on the prowl for mid-century and Danish modern stuff.

88. I used to collect it but now I just find it and sell it on eBay.

89. Unless it’s vintage enamel cookware like Copco, Le Creuset, Cathrineholm etc. I like to keep that stuff.

90. I have a school & office supplies fetish

91. I only wear white gold and silver jewelry.

92. I'm a night owl. So is my husband. Before kids, it was not unusual for us to be up until 4am on a weekend night without even going out.

93. I like my in-laws.

94. My favorite flower is a tie between irises and a tulips.

95. I want to move out of this state because of hurricanes. My husband wants to stay. Needless to say, this is a point of contention.

96. I want to live somewhere that is pedestrian-friendly and isn’t absurdly cold. Any ideas?

97. Fall is my favorite season and Halloween is my favorite holiday.

98. I frequently use my toes to pick things up..

99. I have pretty feet. Well, I used to. Baby #2 made them wider *sigh*

100. Except for my black toenail. I dropped something on it and it’s in the process of coming off. It's pretty gross.

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